The Girls

I spent a weekend with my best girl-friends a few weeks ago. We've reached the point we are well aware of each others strengths and weaknesses. I know that Danielle is likely to take charge (i.e., bossy), be concerned about how all of our behavior is perceived (i.e., proper) and will nearly always put the effort in to look her best (she's so pretty ;)). Leah will be severely less adventuresome if she has her period (you know it's true), she will make us killer taco dip ("our mom") and she will yell at me for having my nose in a book ( I know, I need to kick that awful reading habit). I will always be the least fashionable (D's relief when I self-correct always makes me laugh), the least cool and the luckiest to have these girls as my friends.
We can all be self-conscious about what we see as our lesser traits, but between the three of us, our lesser traits can be as endearing as our best traits. Well, that's how I feel about them anyways. They could be plotting to out me from the group for any number of irritations. If I ever date a guy outside of their delegated age cap (i.e., within five years of me), they are definitely giving me the boot. That's beside the point, though. It's funny sometimes the things that don't irritate me about them. If other people were acting the same way, I could guarantee irritation. The difference is that no one else is as wholy perfect as my girls. I can't imagine ever finding two people who could offer me so much. A few of the perks include: a date to English fest, an ice cream buddy, four constant shoulders to cry on (Leah I don't think I would have made it through that one day without you), two smiles to cheer me on, someone to applaud me at my graduation, two wonderful families which have been so selflessly shared, so much alcohol it could take down an ape, pushing five years of friendship and more ahead.
So when I hear one of my girls doubt themselves, I am saddened. I want them to see themselves as I do. None of us are perfect, shit who wants to be friends with perfect. Perfect is irritating. We are fabulous in all our imperfections and strivings. In the past five years each of us have had accomplishments and pratfalls, but overall we are just getting better. I can't wait to see us in another five years. And in another five years, I still want us to be us. Danielle is our 'strong' leader. Leah is our mother. I'm not sure what I am yet, but we'll save that for another day.

Rockin' Robin

I have the most fun roommate ever. I've lived in this apartment for a year and a half. The first year was with a very reclusive roommate. I think I talked to my new roommate, Robin, more on the first night she moved in than I talked to the old roommate the entire year. So now that we've been roommates for about six months, I feel like I've known her forever.

Party Girls: We are the party. We spent the warm months going out a lot. Yes we can be a little obnoxious, but oh the fun. One night we came home from the bars and decided to continue the party. We drank and danced around the living room. Robin tried to choreograph a dance for us. Then we invited the neighbors over and played board games until the wee hours. A few weeks later, we came home from the bars and I went to bed as I had to get up for work the next morning. Robin decided to see what the neighbors were up to. Around four she stormed into my room, flipped on the light and started ranting about how rude our neighbors' girlfriends were to her. The next day her mom put the situation into perspective by recognizing that said girls were probably rude to her because they didn't want her there and didn't appreciate her inviting herself over. We were happy when those particular neighbors moved.

Furry Beasts: Robin and the pets, Audrey and Diva, get along very well together. Audrey starts barking when Robin roughhouses, so occasionally I have to yell at them for getting a little too fiesty late at night. Also she put Diva cat on a diet. Admittedly, Diva is a little curvy. She weighs in at 19 lbs and she should be about 12lbs. Which the equivalent of me weighing 200 lbs, so I guess I can see the area for concern. And you can't see her feet anymore when she sits down, so the diet is a good idea. She lost two pounds already. Of course, she is pissed about her food rationing and tries to run away every time we open the door. A side effect of having a dog and a cat is the coating of fur which covers everything in our lives. We've decided to look at it as a memento we can take with us into the world. We wear our pet ownership proudly.
Another perk of having pets is the feeling of having more "people" around. Sometimes when we come home from the bar we like to involve the pets in the party. The first time, we came home and Robin went straight to my room, where Audrey was sleeping contentedly. "Audrey wake up! I want to play. Wake up." Audrey was not amused. Then we made the dog and cat dance with us. They aren't fans of pop music or dancing.
One day, shortly after Robin first moved in, she and Audrey were playing fetch in the living room. Robin decided it would be more fun to take all of Audrey's stuffed animals and make them dance. After a few minutes of this, Audrey was getting pissed. She wanted her animals back. She wanted to play fetch. She wanted Robin to stop making the animals dance. So I said, "Robin, we need to share." She replied, "She doesn't share with me, I'm not sharing with her." He he he.

Gender Equality: It has been established that I am the "woman" and Robin is the "man" in this relationship, because when it comes time to whip are pigsty into a semipresentable state, I know where to find all the glassware. It's in her room. I grabbed them all (a total of 9, including mugs, tumblers and bowls) and proceeded to do the dishes. After cleaning for about an hour I realized she wasn't going to volunteer. So I told her her job was to take out the garbage. Hence, I am the woman.

Food: We eat a lot. This is the only problem of having a good roommate: more opportunities to eat. We eat out. We eat in. We snack. We go for ice cream. So I've gained five pounds since she moved in., but it's worth it. The best part is the way that she raves about my cooking. It makes me happy. It's so nice to be appreciated. Also she has introduced to some wonderful culinary treats. The first is green olives stuffed with garlic cloves. Yum! (And we wonder why we're single!) The other is a nice accompaniment to ice cream. Unwrap Andes candies, put them in a mug and microwave them until they are just melted. Then pour them over the ice cream and it hardens up again. Like hardshell, but tastes oh so much better.

inattentiveness: We were sitting on the porch one day and I saw a robin (as in the orange bird) and then Robin (the person) started tweeting and said, "I want to sit in that tree and sing... 'I believe I can fly. Tweet. Tweet. Tweet.' " After a thirty second delay, I realized it would be funny for my friend-Robin to sit in the tree and pretend to be a bird-robin. This is partly that I am a little slow, partly that I'm sure she got crap about her name at some point in her life and mostly that we don't always completely listen to each other. It's not rare to hear either of us say to the other, "What did you just say, I wasn't listening." It's not that we are shallow or don't care about what the other is saying. Mostly it's that we are both horribly redundant on certain topic (re: boys). We always listen thoroughly if it's said a second time.

Monkishness: As I've mentioned, we like the show Monk. Perhaps because we are a little Monkish as is illustrated below.
We are both 'checkers' as in, I can't get in my car and leave until I've walked in and out of the apartment at least once to make sure I didn't leave my shoes where Audrey can eat them and the coffee pot is turned off. Robin's the same way. If one of us is home we'll call and have the other person do our checking for us.
We both have weird conditions of cleanliness. We are both slobs, but there are certain things that have to be orderly. For instance, we have a limited number of kitchen towels and they are constantly missing because Robin uses them twice and throws them into the laundry. I only use paper towels for cleaning the house, because if I use rags, I'd have to wash them. Which would mean a separate load of laundry, because they can't mix with non-cleaning product/ germ and dirt soaked laundry. I'm trying to push this idea onto Robin.
The hoarding is mine alone. I hate the idea of running out of something I might need. I buy toilet paper and paper towels at Sam's in bulk. I always buy in multiple: several bottles of dish soap, my favorite clothes and shoes is multiple colors, toothpaste, deodorant, vacuum bags. The idea is that I buy whatever I might need in multiples so I won't run out. I didn't realize this was weird until people started noticing and making fun of me. Incidentally, this led to Robin's nickname for me, which I will not repeat in the hopes it will die out.

Sayings: Do it! Do it now! It started at the grocery store when I tried to make her test out the grapes to see if they were seedless.
Don't Go! Whenever I complain about having to go to the job I don't like, Robin yells "Don't Go!" Robin, however, has only called in sick to work once since I've known her. That was because she was so sick she couldn't speak. (incidentally I was so concerned that I would catch whatever had made her that sick, that I spent the duration of her illness disinfecting our apartment with clorox and lysol.)
Here's the thing. Monk is one of our favorite tv shows and whenever he is about to enter a situation that makes him uncomfortable he says, "Here's the thing." We've broadened and overused this phrase.
Seriously. Also overused. This word is how you know we are serious or disgusted or amazed or confused. Really it could be used for just about anything. I mean seriously, what can't it be used for?
BETSY!/ROBIN! Maybe this stems from our pet ownership and the fact that pets are always so excited to see you, but we greet each other this way fairly often. I come home from work and Robin exclaims, "Betsy!" Robin wakes up at noon, while I have been awake and bored since seven and I yell, "Robin!" Sometimes we do it obnoxiously. Most of the time we are generally happy to see each other.
I just want to do what I want to do, and what I want to do is...... This one is from Meet the Parents, when he's on the plane and the stewardess is giving him crap. So whenever we are cranky and want to act like five-year-olds we whip out this line.
Hella good, Your mamma, a whole lotta. These are unacceptable phrases and must be used sparingly, if at all. This stems from a boy I dated for a while who tried his best to be trendy and as such picked up whatever friends were saying and used it constantly.

Old School

Since my real career is not taking off to the fabulous start I expected, I have been making up the monetary difference by substitute teaching. At my old high school. Let's just talk about trippy. I ate lunch in the teacher's lounge with my old chemistry and physics teachers. I don't feel old enough to be there. I feel like I'm in some weird limbo between youth and adulthood. Really now, I'm only ten years older than the seniors. I was hanging out with people my age when I was their age. Although, in retrospect I must have had weird friends, because I can't imagine hanging out with a seventeen year-old.
I'm working on my authoritativeness, without being a crusty nitpicker. I am a horrible rule enforcer. For instance, I have to yell at kids for swearing. To be perfectly honest, the swearing doesn't bother me as long as it's not directed at someone. So if a student exclaimed, "Fuck!," in response to some unfortunate circumstance, I don't feel inclined to correct. If the same student were to call a fellow student stupid, I'd be perfectly ready to encourage them to rethink their words. Also, there seems to be an Ipod epidemic happening in the high schools. They aren't supposed to use them at all, but as I see it they seem to work better independently while they are listening to music.
My least favorite part is what the girls are wearing. Okay! I'll be honest, I had body parts hanging out all over the place from seventh grade on and I very often still do. The problem I have is that these girls are getting out of their houses like this. They could be doing the clothing swap on the way to school, but still. This isn't just high school, either. The middle schoolers look like they are trying out for back up dancer in a Nelly video too. Part of me keeps the same argument that I made when I was younger. That you aren't defined by what you wear and you should be able to wear what you want. But the part of me that's getting old wants these girls to have their girlhood. I want them to be able to go out to recess and run around, which is made difficult with any type of elevated shoe (they are all over the elementary schools). I want them to feel good about themselves, for themselves and not for the attention that an extra inch of cleavage is getting them. So maybe it isn't that I'm bothered by what they are wearing, but how they are wearing it. And how do encourage a young girl to be decorous? How do you encourage a young girl to use the power she has on the inside, when you can get by with what's on the outside?

Have you seen my stapler?

I have never owned a full sized stapler. I always bought the miniature kind that fit in my backpack. Recently, my miniature stapler broke and I decided I should buy a full-sized stapler, now that I'm done with school. But I didn't want just any stapler. I wanted the Swingline, Rio-Red, 747 collector's edition stapler. More commonly known as the office space stapler.
I did a little research and there are two collector's editions- the rio red and the chrome. As soon as Office Max opened on Saturday morning, I called to see I they had my stapler in stock. The woman who fielded my call was quite hostile. She informed me that they did not have the stapler from the movie. I asked if they carried the chrome stapler and was told that no, they did not have the red stapler, all they had was burgundy. I told her that chrome is not red, it's chrome. Finally she went to look for the chrome stapler. Then she never came back to the phone.
Here is what I learned from the experience: If you are ever really bored, call up office max and start asking about staplers. It helps to use a nasally, mumbling voice.