So there is this boy who I have had a crush on for entirely too long. You know the kind of crush. You're talking to a friend about someone new that you've met. You go on and on about how cool this person is and in my case I had no clue that the crush was forming. Until my friend Devin stated the blaringly obvious. Still this new person was someone I knew professionally and did not want to muddy the waters. So I nursed my crush quietly with no intention of making any moves. Or at least any moves that could be traced back to me. I would make moves that would end up looking like he made the move.
Then we were at this work thing and had a few drinks and talked late into the night. Nothing definitive happened. Until he emailed two days later to comment on the possibility of something between us. Then we planned a coffee date, which in retrospect should have been a sign. Immediately after the coffee "date" he called me to tell me it was a bad time for him and that it wasn't me, but rather him. WHAT!? So in one way or another we ended up regressing into friendship. As in we'd get together occasionally and I would try to be fabulous so that he would realize how much he really wanted to be with me. (note: this never works. Ever.)
Six months after the friendship lines were first blurred, we met for dinner. I was in a decidedly non-date attitude. I went so far as to make him run to look at shoes with me before we went to dinner, which everyone knows is not something you'd do with a guy you were trying to impress. We drank some wine with dinner, then decided to go drink more wine. At his place. Now I have to claify that I decide what is appropriate friendship behavior in my male friendships based on what I would be comfortable doing with my female friends. Sleeping on the couch is friendship. (It seemed innocuous enough at the time.) Someone's tongue in my mouth, not friendship. The next day my mid-region was awash with butterflies. Not the happy, I-can't-wait-to-see-him-again type. No these were dread butterflies. Or maybe they were moths. Three days went by and I hadn't heard anything, so I sent a text inviting him to coffee. At coffee, I got a similar it's-not-you-it's-me speech, though this time I concurred. It isn't me. He is a freak. A freak I like way too much, but a freak nonetheless. So I had a conclusive, though not overdramatic chat with him. Now that plan after this chat was to not talk to him again, clearly.
It had been roughly a month since the talk when a series of events (i.e., my brother was in a motorcycle accident, I visited with a friend who has a wonderful husband and children, the job hunt was not going so well and there was some excessive drinking) left me a little vulnerable to self-destructive habits (e.g., unnecessary phone calls). I called him. Arghhhh! Bad! Bad! Bad! I left a ridiculous voice message. I hoped desperately that he wouldn't call back. He did. Left a message. "nice to hear from you....a little surprised....give me a call." I called back to say that I was sorry for the drunken message, and also that I regretted having called. Again I hoped that he would just not call back. He did. I was short. He got the point. Here's the problem. I have strong feelings for this guy (I do not care to label these feelings and push myself further into this rancid mess) and I don't understand what his problem is. There is an ex-girlfriend, and I get the impression that he is pinning away for her, but then why even start anything with me? Why not leave it at friendship? Does he like me and is just conflicted or was he just drunk and therefore friendly with whomever might be present? Why do I even care?
I have several goals related to this situation. First, I wll not call or email him ever again. And if I happen to see him somewhere I will be polite, but not overly friendly. Second, I will pay more attention to a boy who has expressed a more concrete interest in me. No more fixing difficult boys. I'm sticking to the currently put-together ones.
Note: Now that I am working I realize how incredibly bad an idea it was to mess around with this guy. Of four of my best professional contacts, he was one of two that I would most want to ask professional advice from. I'm not going to now.
